I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
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Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.