(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
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gentlemen, hear me out
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
crochet youtube is brutal
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.