me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
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If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
The struggle is real
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???