[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
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The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.