*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
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[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day