My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
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Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
lmfao come on