Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
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Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Put the is in disheveled
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Why is everyone getting married at me
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.