Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
You Might Also Like
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!