My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
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this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
english majors be like furthermore
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”