Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
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the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*