The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
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It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Google Pay be like:
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
no such thing as a dumb question
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.