Pronouncing “driest” like priest
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Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.