If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
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Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I feel seen.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister