My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
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Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car