you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
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Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”