If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
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[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Mornin
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.