I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.