January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
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I鈥檓 gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won鈥檛 eat them
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter鈥檚 room]: Yo, turns out grandma鈥檚 heart is weak af.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here鈥檚 what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
馃馃敟馃馃敟
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Mission: Impossible
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we鈥檙e married now
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.