Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
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Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭