Who’s ready for Friday?!
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This could be us but you eatin’
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.