I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
You Might Also Like
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Good point.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents