prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
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I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia