You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
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In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Smile they said.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist