When I retire I’m going to run from office.
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[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.