Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
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No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged