*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
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*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Snapes on a plane.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.