Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
You Might Also Like
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.