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God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
bad news gang
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?