my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
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I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.