*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
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You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
my one true gender
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Cannot stop laughing at this
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”