The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
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[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.