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You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Death certificates are our last participation award.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.