Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
You Might Also Like
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
That’s amazing.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.