“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
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Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
getting groceries
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.