shampoo implies shampee
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Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Breaking news:
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
it be like that
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Just had my nails done!
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today