Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
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if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Barbie gone wild
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve