The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Discuss
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.