I self medicate, therefore you live.
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Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
technically true but not a great slogan
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
(by @ZachWeiner )
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.