Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
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Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Easy enough.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.