13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
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My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
concern
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Jesus Christ lmao
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?