Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
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Memoirs of a Fish Stick
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
can’t talk my ride’s here
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
#JohnTravolta
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.