guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
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Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
LOL!
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.