I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
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Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat