Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
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This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
A small tragedy.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.