old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
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They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough