*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
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My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”