[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Does beer think about me too?
that’s really how it is
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Haha! 😂
my favorite genre of twitter
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down