When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
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Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”