just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
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Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.