make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
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Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.